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I decided to follow through and write an unpleasant post myself. Things on the home front are doing so well; we’ve been dealing (or not dealing; depending on who you talk to) with alcoholism and eating disorders. I’ve been here for a month and everything I do or don’t do just seems to make things worse. I feel completely helpless, and my family is deteriorating.
On a lighter note my brother and I have been having a great time together. You remember in Clueless when Cher made-over Tai, I’ve kinda done that with my brother but in a less selfish sorta way. We went out and bought him a brand new wardrobe. I met all his friends and I gave him girl trouble. Aw, it’s so cute.
Current Music:
sex and the city
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So it’s almost 4 am in the morning California time…. And I just can’t get to sleep. Don’t get me wrong I was fast asleep about 50 minutes ago. But then I received a text messages that has sent chills down my spine. And I can’t seem to calm myself down long enough to even write this entire.
Well I guess I should start from the beginning.
I’m in Walnut Creek right now, staying with my mom. I always feel safe when I sleep here, and I usually place my phone I vibrate before I go to bed. Tonight was no exception.
But around 3 I got a text message. I keep my phone I vibrate for this very reason, if something dreadful were to happen or if I needed to bail someone out of a situation, I never wanted to be unreachable. Now to my surprise the text message read, “I love to watch you sleep at night, with the hair in your face.”
Coincidentally, I was fast asleep (alone), with quite a bit of hair in my face. See why I’m PANIKED. There was no number, and no name from who it was from. So I just sat in my bed, composed myself and read it one more time, although all the information from the first read-through was still sinking it. This time I caught the name of a website at the beginning ohdontforget.com.
In my panicked state I go running through the house waking everyone; my mom and my cat (who happen to now be fast asleep on the couch next to me not even fazed) to tell them what had happened. Then I instinctively grab my laptop and look up this site. Ohdontforget.com it’s a site where you can send reminders to yourself or anyone for that matter through a free text message.
Now I sit here downstairs, afraid to go back to sleep, paranoid out of my mind, and I have no idea what to do. Except write in livejournal.

Current Mood:
scared scared
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Last night I rode my bike home after music and cigs on wide open streets. It was one of those cool summer nights when you don't care about riding your bike in a skirt because it's dark and people can't see up your skirt.

I got home, went past our porch into my back yard and heard a noise. "Oh no, is someone following me?" So I kicked the back gate open (which makes a very loud satisfying noise) and kicked it shut. I'm pretty sure the noise was all my imagination or a small animal.

beige carpet, wine stained walls and jobless! So this makes a lot of time for photos, which I have not been taking. Instead I've been daydreaming about my roadtrip to see kase!

Current Location:
my couch underneath my window
Current Music:
ratatat
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I move into the new place next week. I’ll let you know how it goes. I spent last weekend in the bay, which was nice. Now I’m in summer school, which now sucks.

I would like to be in a relationship. Is that lame of me to say? Maybe I’m just close to my period…. hopefully. But every time I see anyone, I dig down deep to find something attractive in them… some people deeper then others. It wasn’t that hard when I was in the bay, everyone is sexy in the bay area.

New things I enjoy:

-Riding my bike

-Drawing

-Intentionally parking in meters after 6pm

-The new arcade fire

-Of Montréal

-talking long distances on the phone

-and lastly tracing my fingers around peoples tattoos

 

I have to much free time. I need to get a life.

Current Music:
the decemberist
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so once again I’m at the coffee shop with my chamomile lemon tea. And yet it’s not going old. Still no internet and no cable. Thank god I still have electricity.

I already have a place to live for next school year, and a sweet roommate. She’s pretty, ½ Persian, and a graphic design! Now I just am desperately looking for one more. Blah.

I got a job for next school year too. This means I can finally quit this sucky resort/spa job. I going to be working for the program called student community services and I’ll be doing all there publicly (like designing all there posters, flyers and t-shirts for all there events) I just can’t wait to start!!!! And we all went on a retreat last weekend to Cambria and it was so much fun, everyone is so nice and really passionate about helping others. I love the energy.

It’s finals soon, which sucks because I feel like it was just mid-terms.

Plans for the summer: summer school for a couple weeks.
                                    go on a cruise somewhere with Merrielle

                                    Finish my website        

And spending every free moment up in the bay wasting as much film as possible!

I’ll write more when there is more to say. And I have more time to say it.

Current Music:
aforementioned heavy metal
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Sitting at the same coffee shop again; drinking the same chamomile lemon tea, at the same table. How mundane? Kids, please can I take the time to say congratulation on all of you graduating. I know I haven’t it said it once. And I’m ashamed. Sincerely, CONGRADULATION!
Midterms have ended, they were excruciating. And now I have to concentrate on my final for my fine arts class. This life is intense. On an even more intense note, I had 2 horrible nightmares last night. The first, my mom told me she was 2 months pregnant. And the other 4 boys from the art department at poly started to assault me on campus and I ran home.

Now for some good news: you are now friends with the President of the PushPin Committee for Club 34. You don’t have to actually know what that means, just be excited! I myself have been doing freelance work on the side too. Editing photo’s, making graphics, and drawing…. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my free time. (oh besides building my own site, I desperately name for it. IDEA’S PLEASE?) I was thinking maybe “the factory” in dedication to Andy Warhol. To cliché?

Current Location:
uptown coffee
Current Music:
the kids sitting at the table next to my are listening the miami vice theme
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That time of the term again. Mid-term time! And I’m dreading it because I am completely ill prepared. On a lighter note, I went on a date last week. My first in a very very very long time. And I cried. Yes I cried. Tears just poured over my thai food. I can’t even remember what he said, something triggered and I began. He was polite (and almost in an overtly feminine way) told me he appreciated that I felt so comfortable around him that I could shed some tears. First: what a turn off. Second: If only he knew that it wasn’t him….

I’ve just been feeling exposed, open, in a dead body cadaver kinda way. RAW, that’s the word I was looking for.  I’m working on this series of work, it’s intense and I’m doing all this research for it (something I’ve never done) and I’m drained, emotionally, physically drained. I had no idea that art could do this to you.

I need a vacation.

Current Location:
uptown coffee
Current Music:
the roar of a ducati
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Sometimes emotions are overwhelming. Kat: that was a beautiful entire you wrote. My eyes are filling with tears now after reading it. Jim and VA Tech and a couple other personal things… I feel like it’s been building up and now emotionally I’m paralyzed. In Sunday’s local paper they had an article about how many people at poly have died; it’s up to now 52 in the past year. That’s a terrifying number.

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I hate that the majority of the posts lately have been about death. Jim Coon from Highschool was killed in Iraq.

Pfc. James J. Coon, 22, died April 4 in Balad, Iraq, from wounds suffered after an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle, according to the department.

Coon was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 8th Cavalry Regiment, 2nd Brigade, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, Texas, the department reported.

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I’ve met a kid named Brian. He’s wonderful. I believe we are shaping each others lives as I write this. He has deep swimming pool blue eyes. And a pretty face. We are making murals together. I love murals and I love him. Plus my murals are looking awesome. Maybe I’ll post a picture when we’re done.

I’m also 22 now. Things are pretty much the same. I don’t look different. My hairs a bit shorter and healthier and I’ve managed to keep off the few pounds I’ve lost.

In the box that I live my life in, it has been tornado season. But when I step out and look around I see that I’ve actually done a really good job keeping things up to date and working on myself. I’m concentrating more on speaking out and standing up for that inner child cal poly so frequently likes to taunt.
I have a passion in life and that’s more then I can say for most of the kids in the art department. I’m not going to let their sly remarks, their racist comments, and their constant teasing distract me from what I need to do.

This entire was much more empowering then I anticipated it would be.

I dedicate it to Katherine.



My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
  - Woody Allen

Current Music:
elton john
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